If you could be any animal in the world, what would you be?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Change in Blog Plans and the Condensed version of what the Bible is.

So, I decided making a blog of my daily life is stupid. And really gay. Rather than do that, I think I'm going to test out a few ideas, and see what sticks. So, I'm going to start out by giving everyone what they want. But what is it what I want? Books, children. And what kind of book is a good idea, you ask? Stop asking questions, please. I decided on a book you should be relatively familiar with. If not, I'll tell you now its a pretty lengthy read. Back in the day, all people had to do was write about how they sowed plants, or watched paint dry, or fell in love with vampires. and they'd make -that- to be about 400 times less exciting than it actually was. So, without further ado, here's The Bible, by...Jesus Christ?

So, the bible starts off, and God is creating everything. Don't know who God is? Google it. So, he creates the Light, and the sky, and the Earth, and all that good stuff we live on. Then, he created animals, and us. After that, he got pretty tired, I'm sure we all would be tired after doing all that junk. He fell asleep on the last day. We call that Sunday, because God made the sun and used it as his crotch pillow.
After that, some people killed each other, and a couple of them became kings, and made an arc, and raped each other's sisters (Not their own sisters, that's disgusting. Just kidding, they did, though.) Finally, God was like, "Woah, woah, woah. Guys. What the hell? I can't keep sending you all to hell. What is this crap?" So, he impregnated this girl named Mary (Don't worry, he asked permission first.). Now, Mary was married to this guy  named Joseph, and he was pretty pissed, but then an angel came and said, "Hey, bro, don't worry. God did this to your wife. Just name the brat Jesus, it'l all be cool." So Joseph understood.
After that, they went to Jerusalem, and couldn't get in anywhere, because they didn't plan or use cheaphotels or whatever it is the kids do. However, this super-nice innkeeper let's them stay in their barn. Jesus is born, three pussy-assassins come in and instead of kill the kid like they're supposed to, they give him gifts and run away. The sheep are all happy, and whatnot.
Go ahead like 20-30 years, and Jesus did some cool stuff like beat up a whole bunch of dudes in a church, turn water into wine (everyone's heard of that crap, every comedian does that in their bit), and raises a couple people from their [insert ailment here]. While all this is going down, the high-jewpriests get super pissed that Jesus is kicking ass and taking names, so they bring in the good disciple Judas. Judas sells Jesus for like two nickels in what's today, and Jesus gets the crap beaten out of him. After that, he jumps out of his tomb, plays tag with a bunch of people, plays ding-dong ditch with a couple of people, and then flies into heaven, telling everybody to be good, because he'll be back every December. Couple months later, people start having these seizures and spitting fire and gaining superpowers, and that's what we refer to as the Pentecost.
Finally, this dude has a vision where its the end of the world, and there are dragons, and tattoos, and Jesus comes back with his tongue as a double-edged sword. You definitely need to see it.

And then Dumbledore dies. The End.


  1. for an actual informed read, (and i tell this to all athiests, or just those looking for knowledge) i tell them to look up _Jesus, Interrupted: Revealing the Hidden Contradictions in the Bible (And Why We Don't Know About Them)_. I also encourage you to read argumentative christian texts as well. the best way to know yourself is to know your opposite.

    eitherway, your post was good for some lulz.

  2. xD I've read Modern Christianity by the Lewis. Don't worry, I'm a Christian, lol. I just like to lulz over the bible. I guess that makes me a pretty bad Christian. I'm sure Jesus will forgive me (: